2005-09-22 - 1:11 p.m.
I know no one reads this, though I sort of hope someone does for some reason--my ego? I also know that if someone did read it, they'd be rightfully bored. The mid-breakup throes of a stranger aren't interesting, I know. But anyway, I've left my real diary at home today (it wouldn't fit in my purse--sometimes I resent its largeness and my dependency on it, so I leave it at home to punish it).
Last night I saw Alex and he sort of was for my breaking up, which is no surprise. He said that I knew in my gut what was right, and I have to start listening to my gut more often. I say that to myself sometimes too.
But then I went home and fell asleep on the couch. Dt came home eventually after a long and stressful practice, and he said that he didn't want to break up, and we can work it out, can't we? We just got too stressed out by finding a place to live. We can live in Park Slope, he'll agree to pay $1300 a month. I was all crabby and sleepy. I didn't respond much. He said that he didn't want to work out problems with anyone else, he just wanted to work them out with me. That he imagined being with someone else in the future, and that he'd just want them to be me. I guess I am the one he wants. I'm confused. That sense of confidence that he has in me, it's really good for me. It's like sustenance. I said, "what about the sex problems, and how you said I am fucked up and I've fucked you up? You don't feel that way any more?" He said that he didn't want to sleep with anyone else, and if he did, it wouldn't matter if it was a great lay or whatnot, he would still want to be with me, and to have me be the one he's pleasing.
So thus today I've though more about us staying together. It's so late--September 22 already! But then he just called me, and was all freaking out. I hate when he's like that, I can feel my own blood pressure increasing. Something is not working out with his show, etc., he is all stressed out, blah blah. I don't care that much, I told him it would probably work out, it always does. But then he said, "But also, where am I going to live? Where are we going to live? Our relationship is falling apart...I'm freaking out...are we going to live together? Don't you care? Why are you so calm?"
I don't know if we should live together. It feels like too short notice to break up right now. But I didn't really talk to him about it, because I'm at work. He's so crazy. Last night he started this whole thing over again and then he told me he couldn't talk about it, because he had to sleep, and now today he wants me to talk but I'm at work. I took a claritin this morning and it makes me jumpy. I can't type straight.
