2005-09-19 - 1:12 p.m.
Though I sort of don't like writing in here, I also feel like I have nowhere to turn. I could write in my normal diary, but that would just make me cry, and I've already written in there and cried today. I've cried so much for the past 2 days. Day and a half. I'm surprised my body isn't dried up and dehydrated. Any time I'm around him, tears are just leaking out of my eyes. We slept last night hugging tightly. I don't know where he's going to live. And now, being alone for the first time since yesterday, and at work, at this dumb fucking job, I can't hold it together. I know that this is right, it's what I should be doing I guess, but it feels so, so horrible. He said this morning that he felt like it was killing him. I feel the same way.
The thought of being alone is so scary. I have friends, which he doesn't as much (here) and family, so I guess I am in a better situation than he is. But friends and family don't make the fundamental ache of lonliness go away, the lonely no love feeling is something that can only be helped by a boyfriend. I guess. Or maybe you forget about it after a few months. I can't imagine that I'll ever meet someone else. This is just upsetting me to write this. I guess I should go. I know that no one feels like they'll ever meet someone else after a break-up, and that the way you look back on relationships (even now, when I'm hardly ewven out of it) is so revisionary--I have been feeling alone in this relationship for a while, feeling annoyed at him, feeling like I am letting my life pass me by just doing things that make him happy, having sex that I wasn't into, hearing him say things that I didn't want the love of my life to say, getting ignored by him at shows, having to go to every single show of his no matter how much I didn't want to, being afraid to bring up my wanting to do something without him on a weeknight because I knew it would cause a fight, sitting at home and not doing anything on a Friday night because we're too poor, and what else? But man, he was good in so many ways too. Maybe I never appreciated him enough. He is so sweet and thinks I am the best, the sexiest, smartest one, that he's so lucky to have me. He reads books and betters himself. He sings songs to me, country songs in his beautiful voice. He holds my hand. Does he deserve someone better? I'm not so sure. Maybe I am good for him, but he's not good for me. He felt like i was holding him back, because I'm not ready to settle down and also don't have my life figured out yet, so he was dependent on my whims. That makes sense. I can't make a fucking decision about anything. I always knew we were going to break up, but now I feel like it's happening, like we've started a machine that will just keep moving through into its completion, and I want to bring it back! Is pain now better than pain later? At least I'm only 25 and have a chance at finding someone who I can really really love, with no talking myself into it. But I've never loved anyone like that, so I can't help but think that I'm not capable. I love my friends and I love other people, but I've never felt like things were really right between me and a boy. Either we didn't have enough to say to each other, or they weren't cool enough--what's the problem now again? He wants to get married and I don't. He sort of controls me--when I drink or eat junk food he makes me feel bad. He is never, ever happy when we're out with other people really--he just wants to be alone, closed off from the world and I don't want that. Yet?
And now I'm to live with my parents? For how long, by god? I loved living with him. I love him. Now I can say it without being afraid of what it means--that I'm leading him on and deceiving him into thinking I want to get married to him. I love him but I guess he's not the one.
