2005-07-21 - 3:47 p.m.
My diary is back, how weird! But I myself am bored reading it. But in a way I like it. It's funny to have that feeling though, of being sort of in awe and intimidated by your previous self, like when you find an old research paper you wrote and you're like, "Damn! I was smart then. I can't believe how much I knew about Sikhs" or whatever. I feel that way a little bit, like, I was a better writer then. I definitely used different words. I think I was funnier too. Is that possible?
Can people get unfunny? I've had that rock star (yeah right) boyfriend for some long shit now--2 years! Lately I feel like our days are numbered. He doesn't want to have sex with me lately. Usually he is like perpetually lurking in the apartment with a big hardon like a big ol' dog but lately he is not. He halfheartedly paws at my breasts but it's like he's joking. I say, "Don't fuck with me." because I don't want to get turned on and then rejected by a soft floppy dick. Blegh.
And I still work a fucking BO-ring job! 2 years later. I don't care as much about some stuff though, like what other people think of me. Well, in one way I do and I also don't. I'm sort of in the shit trenches this year. Everything seems serious as hell--Grandma died, my sister's husband is sick and maybe dying, bf & I fight too much and bitterly, and now no sex..if we're not having sex, what is there to distract us from our irritations and incompatibility? I want to have sex. I am not the nice sort of girlfriend who is understanding when her man isn't in the mood or even...come to think of it, with him I'm sort of a shrew. He is super broke and I sort of needle him about getting a job, and now with the no love-makey I feel like I'm being a harridan.
But once I tried to give Keith a blowjob and he didn't want me to, his dick went soft in my mouth. Since then I've felt a little self-conscious about sexually harassing boys--they don't always want it and my fears of rejection are quite strong.
