2003-10-16 - 8:55 a.m.
I kept waking up last night, once to hear my cell phone turn itself on in the dark, a few times to look up and see the time staring me in the face (I was sleeping up against his nightstand and his clock has large numerals), a few times to feel him pushing me up further and further against said nightstand, once to his hand on my breast, but all other times to him far away. We saw a concert last night and I felt bored while also interested, and sort of ugly. His last girlfriend was a model and i swear he is frequently looking at my faint moustache when he seems otherwise to be staring at me lovingly. I meat all of these peoplein bands and felt bored and quiet. God, everyone is in a fucking band in this city, and they honestly think they are cool for it! Having a boyfriend in a band and living in Williamsburg is the biggest cliche in the book and I'm living it which is kind of cool. We've been going out for a few months now but everything is like a ride and yesterday I figured I would just go with it. Sometimes it's weird and he seems crabby and angry with me, and then I think he's a jerk, disagreeing with everything i say, saying my straight male friends are actually gay and I am too dense to see it, and that my karaoke party of last week (which he didn't attend) sounds like the exact kind of thing he would have hated. He's so negative, god. Then this morning he was all kissing me and being like, "are you okay? You seem weird today. Can I come over to your house after you get off work?"
A lot of other people seem stuck in loveless relationships of convenience, but I didn't especially want to be in one. Now that i am though, even if it's a new, 3 month old one, I feel comfortable and relieved. But we can't have good sex unless we really like each other, and the sex part of our relationship is the best part. He is like a rock star porn star.
