2003-07-21 - 9:24 a.m.
I was going to write something specific in here but now i can't remember. Last night my roommate plucked my eyebrows as i sat patiently on the toilet and raised my face to her. It's kind of weird I guess. She also cuts my hair. I always wanted my friends to do stuff like this. I love the way people are when they are looking at you but not at your eyes, just at your face to see if something is even, and they are serious, kind of frowning, and holding your chin in their cool hand. Maybe it's because my mom never loved me. Just kidding. Anj said yesterday that she thought I would make a good mother. And it wasn't flippant either. i was like, "Am I maternal to you?" because I noticed that I had stopped her from going into the street in front of cars a few times, and done things like put her hair behind her ear and whatnot. She said, "not especially, but i do think you will make a good mother. Not now I mean, but in a while when you have kids". I think she thinks this because I am always imitating my niece and nephews and speaking of them with doting and love.
I am such a strange combination of happy and unhappy lately. I feel like i am on a spiritual path, trying to figure out how to be happy and good, to be a person i like. I am so far from it though, because I am lazy and a coward, I hate making new friends and trying to find a new job. I have no ambition. But i try honestly to combat things in my personality, like cattiness and shit-talking. And complaining. I try, you know. I try to be happy with these tiny things i see. But then i am so totally unhappy too, I feel like I am a loser and a wastoid, wasting time and without a boyfriend or a fulfilling job or creative life. I'm not sure I even like writing, half the time, and that's supposed to be my jam. But it kind of isn't. I'm bad at describing my feelings, I only am good at describing things that actually happened. It's like i'm unaware of my own feelings, for all my efforts at trying to know myself. That's the best thing I guess, people who really know themselves. But I spend time alone and do a lot of thinking and I still don't. It's like my feelings are some mystical domain which is completely out of my power of reasoning. i keep meaning to think about God lately, too, how exactly i feel religious. I do in some ways, in a lot of ways. I feel it on th edge of my conscious thinking, the idea that soon i can devote a chunk of time to sitting down and thinking about religion.
I want to go to Austin for the Austin City Limits Festical but I don't know if i can afford it. in the past week I've seen so many concerts, and this summer in general it's been mad. I love seeing live music almost most of all, of all the activities you can pay for. I mean, i like seeing bands I already love, not just any old jam band in the park. that's why I'm lucky to live in New York.
