2003-07-15 - 11:08 a.m.
I don't know about sex. I have this idea that I want to remain unsullied--like i do only want to like or at least be phenominally attracted to people I sleep with. By like I mean really like. Right, I like a lot of people..sort of. But I want to really like them, like think they are smart, funny, weird, kind, and good. It's unusual that I meet a new person who i really do like, sadly. Or I guess in terms of sex, if they are really hot and I can get along fine with them, maybe that's okay too though I've never done that. If they are not really hot or someone I really like, at least as a friend, then I have to like something else about them, and strongly. maybe they could be in a band or they could be a great writer, or they could just be absurdly weird in an admirable, awe-inspiring way.
Anyway, I think I am just a prude. My whole life is contained in the experience of wrestling with two different ideas--really, in my head all I do is flip flop all day. Back and forth, argueing with myself and lately there is never a resolution. Should I just have sex with someone who is good at hooking up and nice enough and in my bed? Especially if I haven't had sex in 6 months? I kind of wanted to keep that 6 month, sex partner # 3 cherry for someone special, or monumental at least. I don't have to be in love, no no. But I want to really like them. Have it be a good story somehow. Last night this boy stayed over. I met him last week, he is only 20. He has a mullet and kind of seems to be in the early stages of balding, poor fella. But he's cute and biked all the way from Florida to New York City, that's cool. He has a tattoo on his leg of some kind of bicycle sprocket. He is my friend's friend. He told me last night that when I met him with our other friend last week he was really turned on by me the whole time. He said he wanted to "embrace" me when he met me and I think he meant a carnal embrace. I hung out with him all evening and night yesterday, we ate tofu dogs and sat in a empty lot by the lapping deceptively cool and clean Easy River. East River. Then we drank tall boys in the park. I usually love to do this stuff, but I had nothing to say all night. He is from a crazy big conservative Cajun family in Louisiana or Kentucky or something. I would like him if I had anything to say to him. But at the end he stayed over, mostly because I wanted to be nice and not send him home on his bike after we made out for a while. And I wanted to have sex with him, but I didn't want to give him a blow job, it seemed too personal. his skin kind of smelled like urine. Like a natural distillation, not like he had pissed himself. And what is it about white boys, that up close all of their faces and mouths smell like milk? I'm serious. I wonder if i do too.
So we almost had sex but one time he said he might be too tired and one time it was because I was already late to work and in the cold light of day he didn't seem as cute as he did last night. I had the condom out and everything. And to be honest he was kind of having erectile problems. I think he was nervous, he's only a baby. I don't know if I'm good in bed but i kind of think not. Especially with people I don't know, then I am kind of reserved. With the last boyfriend though, I felt like I was killer. He had obviously only had boring sex before. I just filled out a sex survey at nerve.com and it made me feel very inexperienced, I had to say that i hadn't tried most fetiches they asked about but that I would be interested in trying the some day. Then I read about the G-Spot and I got bored, I don't really care about it.
I am unfulfilled in my professional life so I want love. I think I may be in love with the lead singer of a band I like; I mean he is my friend and they are local. I can't name names. But his arms are covered in tattoos and he is kind of shlubby and shy. I just became his friend though by being a fan of the band, so i don't think that groupie dynamic can lead to true love. But we could make out, i guess one day we will. Last time I saw him he maybe would have asked for my number but I had smoked too much weed with him and his friends so I had to duck out on my way to something I was describing as an "Adult Rave". He must think I'm such a sketch. I just threw him a quick wave from down the hall and he looked surprised as I left but not exactly regretful. I don't want to make out with him after a show though, I want to really become his friend. I think he's so funny and endearing. He's from Texas and can sing in a falsetto! i might not even be attracted to him when it came down to the nitty gritty. When I was talking to him at the show the other day, all of a sudden, as i was talking close to his ear, yelling about some bullshit, he accidentally turned his head and our lips and faces were perfectly aligned for a second, to close not to be noticed. We both noticed the prime makeout position and I think we looked at each other's lips but then after a split second we moved apart. I keep thinking about that moment, it gave me a specific feeling of being in synch with someone and the way his mouth was, kind of thin on his long thoughful face, it felt very synchronous with my face, round and looking into his. It felt to fit like a key in a lock. I wonder if he remembers it.
