2003-06-24 - 10:22 a.m.
It's sad when you realize that you are in love with someone you just created, you know? not like an invisible frind or something, but like a boy you think you are in love with from afar, but when you get to know them, there they are--they use the word "Faggy" in seriousness, they fall asleep on your bed in their holey socks, they are funny in a completely different way than you thought they would be, they are self-obsessed, they are balding, or whatever. Not that someone has to be perfect for me to love them, at all. Maybe the people that I fall in love with without knowing, maybe when that happens it just insures that I won't love them upon closer inspection because they are inevitably not my ideal--the funny, booksmart, mean yet sensitive ideal which I have decided they must be. I've done this a lot recently, I keep wanting to be in love.
Also a lot recently I am kind of hateful. I meet up with friends and then I'm like, "God, these poeple are so boring and mean." but maybe it's me I'm talking about. they can't all be bad, can they? Or can they? And then i just wish I were alone in my room reading a magazine. I just rearranged my room and made it super nice, I never want to leave. But that doesn't sound too healthy. I think that you have to go out and find things to make you happy, people and classes and beautiful summertime flowers growing out of the concrete or something. If you are already so happy alone maybe it's time to move that happiness into the social realm. The social side of life.
I am in love with the best friend of the last boy i seriously went out with. I ran into that boy, the one I dated, at the corner store the other day, that rainy cold Saturday. He hugged me even though he was soaked, and I said, "Oh...wet..." and then we talked about rRed Hook and his new job and the Mermaid Parade, the weather, and his best friend, who i ran into on the street the other day. I will wait for him, he is so good. Anyhow, then he and I walked down the street amiably together, almost like last fall when we would have gone to that same store to buy some Looza juice and be walking, ambling slowly back to his apartment to watch an old western and have sex in his Twin bed. At the corner though I said goodbye, I really wanted to get home and take off my wet jeans, rolled up to my knees over wet sneakers, and take a bath. I accidentally kissed him on the neck (I was aiming for his cheek, but I got his neck, which was soft and familiar) and then the wind from the storm, which I was holding an umbrella against, pushed me into him and he grabbed my waist to steady me. It was kind of nice. Then I said goodbye, Have a nice weeend! He said, "It was nice seeing you." and I believed him. He's so serious, with serious slow brown eyes. That boy, it's his best friend who i am recently creating a fiction about. I can't leave well enough alone, I am like a monster, wreaking female havok on this group of cute and smart male friends.
