2003-05-27 - 4:04 p.m.
One. Every day, I repeat the same routine, and every week also. I go to bed after 2 am, talking on the couch to my roommate about guys and our days and holding hands. It's really nice. I am exhausted at work. I eat a too-expensive lunch that I don't even enjoy, chinese food too spicy or grilled cheese too greasy. I don't do anything productive, I sit in this chair for many hours. I go home and mean to go to bed for a quick nap but instead I watch a movie with someone and talk on the phone. Or I go out and drink a few beers with someone else, different neighborhood friends. I never see the people I've been meaning to see for weeks. Not my sister or my old friends who call me for dinner or something. I don't want to go out to dinner that much any more. I never call my best friends, hardly ever (they don't live here but we talk on the phone). I go to bed too late again. I look in the mirror and floss. Or pluck eyebrows with satisfaction.
Two. I hate the night time. I get sad when night time comes, I just wait for it to be light out again so everything can be normal.
Three. I keep assuring my friends that the guys they like are also into them--"He obviously likes you dude, he's just shy." "He said that? Oh my God, how cute! He wants to ask you out, he loves you.." After which they say no, he was just being nice, or, no he just wanted to have sex with me. I say NO no no. They say the same things to me too. But you know what? They are never true! The boys I say like them even though they are not sure do not actually like my friends lately. They never call because they aren't interested, not because they are shy and insecure, and sometimes they were just using them for sex. The things I say, and they say to me, are just meaningless blandishments. Sorry for the word but I really wanted to use it, it was on the tip of my tongue and I had to get it out. Anyway, I think I used to be right more often. I'd say, "How could they not be in love with you? You are perfect!!" and it was true, the objects of their speculation did like them and love them. How am I supposed to take this, that when I say this now it sounds and actually turns out to be untrue? It's not that my friends are not as great as they were before, I think it's the difference between high school or college dating politics and now, now I can't read anybody and apparently no one does like me and my friends. Or at least not in that younger way, like, I-like-you-will-you-go-out-with-me-and be-my-girlfriend way. Also I have to stop giving people dumb compliments and assuring them of every little thing working out for them. It annoys me when other people recklessly do that to me, and now I am one of those people. I'm just trying to be nice, but it's made me into a phony.
I smoked pot at work like an hour ago, it backfired and made me feel kind of miserable.
