2003-05-20 - 11:16 a.m.
I just talked to an old man from the American Legion, which is across the street. His teeth were yellow and he said he couldn't hear me very well, because he didn't put in his hearing aid today. Then he said he was so embarrassed. I almost cried. They fly an American flag and the flag of Maryland high over their post. There is a flag of Maryland because during the revolutionary war, the Battle of Brooklyn was fought right here, and there are hundreds of dead soldiers (from Maryland) entombed underneath the very foundation of the building in which I sit as I write this. I just found this out from the man today. The American Legion post has a bar in it too, and I want to go there. Drunken Brooklyn Legionaires! Lucas would love to go someplace like that with me. That's what was so great about him--he was really down for things like that, which none of my other friends are. They have a whole different conception of cool, and Lucas and I kind of shared one. We both like old people, old bars, history, things like parades and burlesque shows, and I even made him climb a tree with me once and we listened to doo-wop on his transistor radio. He came over to my house the other day, I ran into him in the neighborhood bar. He likes me, and I like him, but we can't go out again. We went out for 5 months already, last summer and fall, and it was sweet, but not love. At my house he laughed at all my jokes and winked at me with love. He kept touching my knees as he told me stories, or leaned in and said, "What's that?" But maybe he was just drunk. We didn't kiss or anything.
I am all in love lately, in a fucking sad way. Not sad like pathetic, sad like poignant. A boy I was obsessed with in high school, even though all my friends said he looked either like a pig or a tortoise (why some kind of animal? I'm not sure. He is slow moving and serious, and I guess he has a kind of a pig nose) asked me out on a date this past weekend. I saw him again for the first time in maybe 4 years. I knew he would be at the party, and I wore eyeliner and had my hair up and also wore a cordoroy (?) blazer and blue earrings. He said he liked my shirt. I can't believe I dressed up for him. He's in law school now. He is skinnier and smokes cigarettes, American Spirits. I said yes, but the chances of us being right for each other are so slim. His voice, which is slow and kind of nasal, sets me on edge like something really terrifying--a final exam or getting in really bad trouble with your boss. He kissed my elbows in high school, once. Everyone at the party knew I liked him and so did he. Maybe that's why he asked me out. That was so long ago that I liked him though, 6 years. And then I didn't even know him. But the thing is that he liked me too, that's why I liked him. That's what no one acknowledges. He would talk to me everywhere, and he even called me and we went out to a museum together. He just freaked me the hell out. He's older than me, and taller than me. I was really nervous in high school and didn't even kiss a boy until I was 18. It's led to a lot of problems, late blooming.
