2003-05-05 - 10:24 a.m.
It's soo cold here today. I am wearing a huge sweatshirt that's been stored in the file cabinet for months, just waiting for me. I have seen 3 incidences of animal suffering in the past few days, and it's contributed to my disturbed state of mind. One: i just killed a spider with a bong. It was white and yellow and translucent, but I just got scared! it was really kind of large, about half an inch and crawling over the very keyboard upon which I write. It looked like a Florida spider, used to living in dusty barns and eating huge fat flies, what the hell is is doing so far north? But that's not why I killed it, I killed it because I freaked out. I tried to use a golf shoe to kill it but then I had to use the bong. What an environment to work in, right? There'a also a furby here, but I couldn't use Cho-cho for killing a bug. Then a few days ago when i was leaving work, the studio manager closed the rolling metal gate as we walked out under it, and as we were getting in the truck to drive away, we heard a horrible screaming. Slinky, the cat who gave me ringworm, was caught underneath the gate, which was trying to close all the way, running on its own motor! She was screaming! Oh lord, it was really horrible. We ran over and he tried to get through the front metal gate, and I frantically tried to unlock the huge metal door, when i was inside, I pressed the up button for the gate and she ran away. We looked for her and she came out purring and trying to jump on me, so I guess she recovered. What an idiot though, she should be dead in terms of natural selection. And also I saw a dog with a broken back being walked on its front legs (its back legs were in a sling carried over the ground by its owner, and its back was sloped down in a U shape). It was horrible. Everything disturbs me lately. I also helped a really drunk blind man get to a bus stop yesterday, and we crossed the same street twice and almost got hit by a car, not to mention kind of got into a fight, I was like, "Sir, the Bowery is this way, it just is. Just tell me where you want to go and we can get there. No, that's first avenue. I promise you, it is."
My friend from college visited me this weekend, she just left today. I think she thought that she had come out to me, but she never did. She came out to me by saying, "Well, i came out to my mom. It was hard, but I think she understands and will support me." and I played along. It was weird. Everyone who meets her, including myself, thinks at first that she is gay, but she's always like, "I know, everyone thinks i'm gay! But I'm totally straight!" Sometimes I wonder if the pressure to just be gay got to her. It was easier for her in her life to be what people already thought she was, and I guess she was always kind of bi anyway. It made me feel so far from her, that I didn't know that she was gay, or even that she was having questions about her sexuality at all, that and that she spelled my name wrong in a letter she sent me. And she's known me for 3 years. She put one of those goddamn, silent H's. She was like, "And how are you doing? You seem lonely." It was a strange weekend. I smoked too many of her cigarettes, camel Ultra Ultra Lights.
