2003-04-21 - 12:10 p.m.
All bets are off. I am going to Arizona next week, for a vacation to see my old best friend. I look forward to getting tan and sipping coffee in some fine gay coffeeshops. The only time I went to Tucson I liked it a lot. I was there for only one night. It would be so fun to go on a road trip right now. This trip is by airplane, 4 of them will take me there and back. I spent this weekend gettng dissed and feeling bad about it. Why feel bad? It's great to not be liked. It's a blessing to be rejected. My therapist (at school, but I can't afford to see one now) last year said that I should be happy when these things happen. That's what she really said! Crazy woman. But I liked it too, I liked a lot of her advice. I think I was kind of setting myself up for this advice, because I told her how I hate to be rejected romantically, how I am so cowardly about seeing someone else not like me. I never really get rejected, because I never go after the people I really like. I reject other people. Like I am so fabulous, but I mean, that has just been the dynamic I set up. Because i am shy and never approach people I like, but am also really picky.
But good practise, she said. I guess she meant that it's harder to be a coward after being rejected with frequency. Or so she hoped. I had a date with a preppy, maxim-reading boy last week, and I even spent the night in his cold room, which looked out onto a dirty alley with pigeons and Burger King sodas in it. And then he never called me again, the rat. We were supposed to have a date this weekend, on Saturday we were going to see a movie together, and he was going to take my picture in front of the dilapidated warehouses in the neighborhood (he's a photographer) and he never called me. I called him last, so I refused to call him all weekend. He said he liked me. But he was kind of square anyhow, he said that he could tell I was bad or something. He said, "99% of people would just think that you are really sweet and nice, but I can see there's something dirty about you." He thought it was that I am a heavy drug user, so he thought anyhow, but then he said it must be that I like to make out. Oh well, he's not good enough for me, I guess.
I know there are so many other things to think of in the world, and in my life, than just boys. Maybe once spring isn't so much in the air, I will calm down. And dates are depressing. Man, are they sad. They can make you cry. I've not even been out on so many in my life. Real dates, not with someone who was already my boyfriend, maybe 10 in my life. And all of them had something notable about them, almost every one would make a good story. On the best date, which led to me going out with a certain person for 5 months, I knew it was going to be great because we passed a plate of fried chicken on the street (Oh, New York in the summer time, you really are something to see) and he was like, "Why don't you eat that." Right, it doesn't sound great now, but we were so friendly from the start. And when he drove me home he said, "I am embarassed to wear my glasses in front of you." Like I am not the queen of the nerds anyhow. He didn't know that yet.
This last one was kind of not notable, except for the overwhelming sexual tension between us the whole time. As I talked to him, yelled at him, in loud bars, I tilted my head into makeout position just to make it more excruciating. It was alright. In other news, I have no idea what to do with my life, my future. I think that when i get a little more cashflow I will do some things that are good for me, such as buy a drumset and take yoga classes. I am starting a band with Emily, we just need a rocking name to get us started. This keeps freezing so i must stop writing.
