2003-04-09 - 11:43 a.m.
Oh my god. When I wrote sporadically in a diary on here in college, like 2 years ago, it totally blew up in my face. Everyone in my small college was reading it, and I was reading theirs, and nobody was being straight about it. It led to lots of unspoken crushes, for me, and lots of weird social situations, like, reading this in someone's diary: "Sam and I were both supposed to go to the soiree with this really cute girl from school. We both think she is the best dresser here and super hot. But then something hapened and now neither of us has a date. Oh well." I was the cute girl (as I say, it was a tiny school and far from any metropolis, so it was easy to compete for best-dressed) and I chickened out on that date--I was supposed to go to a party (for which you needed a date) with 2 other diary-keepers: the hottest lesbian stripper at our school and a tiny, shy indie-rock literature major guy. But I went with neither, and since I read that diary entry beforehand, I was like, "they think i'm hot? And a good dresser? They love me!" but we were all three too shy to make anything happen in the real world.
And what really made me stop writing in it was that a guy I was in love with, and who was the best kisser ever, whom I used to date but then broke up with him when it was glaringly obvious that he didn't like me at all, the cocky bastard, one time said at a party: "Hey, I hear you've been writing a lot about me in your online diary." While his current girlfriend tried to get him to stop talking about it, but thereby making me feel more pathetic and patronized. But here's the frustrating catch: I wasn't even! I just mentioned him once, and said I'd like to make out with him again, because he is the best kisser ever (to be a good kisser and be a total asshole, it seems so wrong, when kissing is a lot about sweetness. Well, what can I say. I kind of like assholes like this, unfortunately) and I think I even disguised his name. But then some hater, this little fuckwit girl who was on crutches and was named velvet--no, seriously--said, "Hey, I read all about you in someone's diary..she talks all about you.." You could see how it would happen. He hadn't even read it. then i gave him the address and told him to read it, the arrogant fucker. god, fuck him. I've seen him recently, and he's still a total fucking black hole of a person, but less attractive now, because he's 26. Old motherfucker. Anyway, if you happen to care, this happened again, where a real-life relationship was affected by my online diary: this girl, a super tough lesbian who I wanted to be friends with, was like, "hey, I thought we were having a really good time at that party the other day. Dancing and all. but then I read online that you were just on a lot of coke, and that's why you were so happy. I felt deceived." I hurt a super burly lesbian who wanted to be my friend! She was tough as nails! What am I, the devil?
Why was I writing about making out with the biggest stud on campus and coke? I wanted everyone to read it, I wanted to be a rockstar. After this, I felt disgusted with myself. Like, why write it in a public forum if you don't want people to read it, and also, be a little conscious of the image of yourself that you are projecting into the astral world of cyberspace.
I get the feeling that this could happen again. With my neighorhood, or with the city I live in. Luckily my exploits are much less interesting now than they were a few years ago, so I don't think my juicy updates will be printed out and circulated on the local subway platform. I have a date on saturday to see a Nan Goldin exhibit. This is going to be pretty racy for a first date. Lots of sex in showers and couple love. Whew! We'll see. it was my idea, but I'd rather meet late at night for drinks. I am just asking for awkward eye contact and nervous grins on this date. Plus I am a fool lately around men--talking to grown men who might like me or want to get in my pants, and who are attractive, I forget everything I could possibly say, I giggle and smooth my hair like a 15 year old. I used to be interesting! I guess it's all practise. Being a single girl at my age is really something to see.
