2003-04-07 - 9:47 a.m.
I don't think I cock-blocked Nooms or Ween, because I guess they are just not interested in each other. At a bar last week, Nooms said, "Uh, you didn't tell me she was a prude. And she wasn't anywhere near as desparate as you made her sound." Yuck. I didn't make her sound desparate, I just said she's into dating. And I also said she would never sleep with him, she just wouldn't, unless she really liked him. And neither would I. Which brings me to the old question i and others have asked about myself: Am I a prude? If someone was really attractive, I might have a one-night stand with them. But they would have to be attractive and nice. I would never sleep with someone who was an asshole. Never on purpose, that is. I mean, I'd have to at least think they were nice and then be proved wrong later. But what if someone was a straight-up asshole, as opposed to some of the wimpy assholes I've hooked up with, does that make the straight-up ones better? I don't know, it's too much for me to figure out. But they'd have to be really attractive --that's the bad part. If someone was charismatic and could charm me though they weren't conventionally super hot, i would still consider sleeping with them. I mean, all of the people in my sexual (actual sex and otherwise) history have't been what everyone else would consider super hot. My roommate, for example, and my best friend, both of whom, truth be told, are shallow and/or judgemental (ouch! ) have called a number of these guys, especially my most serious boyfriend of all time, ugly. But he also cheated on me and treated me bad, so my friends cannot help but dis him. At any rate, I am both shallow and not shallow, is my point.
I am at work. It's snowing out today. I want a new job. I reread my old diary yesterday, well, not cover-to-cover, but selected choice passages, and it was really good. I liked it a lot. I was like, "I was so funny last December and January." (aka, 3-4 months ago). I used to be funny and a good writer. This long winter has really gotten me down. The Daily News today said that part of the reason that sales in the city are doing badly is the long winter hangover we're all experiencing. Is that what this is? And now the snow. i have a red and white leopard print skirt that i am dying to wear, but it hangs quietly in the closet, next to nylon sundresses, wrap-around skirts with longhorns and birds on them, and 4 winter coats. I cleaned my room yesterday and listened to 2 very good Bob Dylan albums--Bob Dylan and John Wesley Harding. I bought them on cassette for $3 each. I also talked to Vanessa for 2 hours on the phone about our futures. One of the comics from last week said something like, "Wanna try something difficult? Try sitting down with your high school friends and talking about the future." I guess because old friends fall back on reminiscing so much? Because they don't have anything to say anymore? Well, we have to go back to school, we decided. She's going to go to Law School. Maybe I will go to school for creative writing. When did I get to be that girl? That girl whose friends are going to be lawyers, and who wants to be a short story writer, though she has not much talent or experience. In college, i'd say. Well, we'll see. i think these are the winter hangover doldrums talking.
This other dude asked me out on a date. He reminds me of Kyle MacLachlan. Whom I love. But only how he looks, only his chin reminds me of him. In personality, he plays with little children and wears dockers. And has his hair in a little ducky front flip. He must be from out of town ("Out-of-towner"). Everywhere I go now people are like, "Where are you from?" and when i say here they don't believe me and then they are like, "you're a rare breed. I never meet native New Yorkers." It's a conversation killer because then i get annoyed and feel superior. This past weekend I met a boy who seemed nice and he asked for my number, but I didn't give it to him. I was trying out the "I don't give out my number," defense. He was like, "really?" and seemed hurt. I said I would take his. I guess people take that line as a rejection, when i don't necessarily mean it that way. He lives in my neighborhood. But I felt like he had bad breath, so I didn't want to kiss him. And besides, just kissing a stranger isn't usually something I'd want to do (because I'm a prude).
So, I seem to meet a lot of boys, in a way. But none of them really pass the test. Are they weird and cute and tall? Not usually enough of any of those variables. And I am all three, so I must find my match.
