2003-03-31 - 2:17 p.m.
Slinky, the cat here, would die to be able to sit on the keyboard I am using right now. God, she's annoying. The weekend is over. It was slightly traumatic. Too much drinking. And smoking is being outlawed in New York bars soon, or already has been but won't be inforced for a few months, so on saturday night I smoked about 6 Nat Sherman Hint of Mints and took posed pictures with bartenders and leering hipsters or frat guys in the background for posterity's sake.
Last night I got home from a standup comedy show in which I laughed so hard I drooled and I fell in love with all of the awkward men and one woman performing, to find my roommate and my friend curled up on the couch. The room was lit cozily with christmas lights and they may have been sharing a polartec throw or something very adorable like that. I feel like I should give then aliases though why would they read this? I'll call them... Ween and Nooms. Ween is a girl, one of my 2 roommates, and the one I am not really friends with. Though we *are* going to go see a very special concert next week together. And Nooms is a boy who I think is slightly in love with me, but he's an asshole. I would never hook up with him, it would be so much drama (we have known each other for 10 yrs, and have come from a super tiny New York magnet school, where everyone knows everyone, and he has a bad reputation, a phony. And moreover, a womanizer.) But Nooms, I kind of love him too. We both like NY1 and good country music and think the other one is hysterically funny. He says I am a dream girl. But I make it clear that I am not so much into him, so I guess he is free to pursue my roommate? In a way.
This story feels so pointless. I think I broke up their date is my point, i think. I sat with them and cracked jokes and left Ween out by talking about high school with Nooms. Nooms was kind of weird with me, he was all sensitive--"You never listen to anything i say. I'm serious, though, why don't you pay attention to me?" I do listen to him, I think. I can't remember. And also, out of nowhere, "But you want a tall manly guy right? that's what you told me repeatedly." And he is the opposite, one of the many guys who think i am their height but I'm not, I'm taller, and he's kind of not manly. I went into my room to make a phone call and then I heard them talking and he left, I pulled back my magenta curtain as I talked to Vanessa in San Francisco and saw him walking quickly away down our desolate street, hands in pockets.
I am a bad person, because this is what i wanted to happen. I wanted to be the center of attention, and leave Ween out. Though she's my roommate, i wanted to be more interesting, charming, and funny than her in front of Nooms so he would realize his mistake and leave. but I don't want him, you know. I just want his attention. These are my problems lately. I am kind of being a bad person. i don't call my friends, I seek male attention at all costs, and I drink too much, and I don't look for a real job. I don't exercise. Okay, I do walk a lot,but that's it. I want to be good, a good person, but when I am not happy with my life, it's hard.
On a lighter note, I am buying pot today for the first time in my life.
And also: I got a nice new coat that smells terribly of mildew and my grandma's basement, but I am wearing it anyway and smelling bad in public.
